Tremendous Anxiety

The worst kind of anxiety is the kind that has no prompt resolution. I will be worried for a month or more about whether or not my recertification for SSI will be accepted or denied.  I just filled out the paperwork and put it in the mailbox – even that makes me anxious, as with paperwork that important I would usually take it directly to the Post Office.  My library books are due tomorrow (with no option for renewal) so it was my intention to return the books and take the recertification paperwork to the Post Office, but it is below freezing out there – around 11 degrees – and nobody on this street can be bothered to shovel or salt their walks, so it looks treacherous as hell out there and frankly I am afraid to go out in it.  I have 8 library books so I suppose (based on the weather report) I will accrue an unfortunate amount of late fines unless I face my fear and go out in it, because it’s not going to melt off or go away anytime soon.  It is in fact expected to get worse.  Depending on how bad the roads look tomorrow I will either go out in it and hope like hell I don’t get hurt, or I will try calling the library and beg and wheedle for them to cut me a break on the late fines as the roads are so bad and I am on foot – I have no vehicle.

My paperwork, which I resigned to putting in the mailbox as I am fretful of going out, seemed so paltry – I only have two doctors to list, and the decision of whether or not my SSI is extended pretty much all depends upon records from my mental health counselor.  I told her I was up for recertification, and she believes that I am unfit to work and told me that she will do everything she can to help me continue to receive SSI, and that she hopes that they (SSI) will come to accept my condition as chronic; but all the same until I have the paperwork confirming that my SSI has been extended, I shall be terribly anxious.

And all I can do is wait and see… probably for about a month or so.  No prompt resolution to be found here, just a month of enhanced anxiety.  Wonderful.

I NEED this.  I know that there is a lot of welfare and disability fraud, but I also know that my need is real.  I have physical AND mental reasons that my need is valid, but I can only hope the mental ones are good enough for SSI.  One of the greatest ruiners of my life is multiple chemical sensitivities – they are so bad that if a proverbial “fairy Godmother” could come floating down out of the ceiling and tell me that she has the magic to get rid of either my harelip or my chemical sensitivities – I would choose the chemical sensitivities.

Let that sink in for a moment…

However I haven’t been able to find a doctor who will vouch for me concerning MCS.  Part of that is that MCS is still “fringe”, many people don’t know what it is, or if they do they don’t believe that it is real.  I know that it is real.  It destroyed my already shaky semblance of a life.  There are doctors that specialize in MCS but I am so far away from any of them and my transportation is limited to medical rides, so I haven’t had any luck finding a doctor who will vouch for me as far as being chemically sensitive goes.

I know there are thousands of them, tens of thousands, maybe more – but I have at least two SSI/Disability scammers on my (fake) (sock account) Facebook friends list.  One told me in person, he was the guy I wrote about in a previous entry that I referred to as “Mr. Encyclopedia Dramatica”.  The other guy is friends with my “Necronomicon Grandpa Canadian Boyfriend”, (NGCB) whom I also referred to in that same blog entry.  He told me about how he fakes it when we were talking on the phone… so I have no written proof that either one of them is committing disability fraud.  One of them – Mr. ED – served overseas during a war – I forget which one, maybe the Iraqi one – and he gets his disability for associated PTSD.  Physically, he is fine.

The other guy – NGCB’s friend – was hurt on the job.  Both of these guys have received their benefits for years now and both have told me that they could work if they want to but they always say the right things to their doctors and counselors; they really play it up so they don’t have to go back to work, because free money, and better – free time spent doing as they wish instead of slaving away at some job, beats the alternative every time.

I don’t know what SSDI tops out at – around $1500/month, I think? – and one of these guys told me he gets 3K a month and the other (the Veteran) claims he gets 6K (!) monthly so obviously they are also getting money from sources other than SSI/SSDI.  What these sources are I don’t know – I don’t know either one of these men so well that I know these particular details of their personal business, I just know they both told me they could work, but they prefer not to, so they act more troubled than they really are and so far it has continued to pan out for them.

I hate them.  Those able-bodied men, these fraudulent asses are living on 3K – 6K month and because of fraudulent fucks like them, I am living in low-grade terror over whether or not I’ll keep my comparatively paltry and yet legitimately needed $756/month – which is ALL I get.  All of it.  I don’t have any other sources of income (barring SNAP and HEAP).  I could report them for fraud, but as I stated, I have absolutely no proof other than the foolish vocal boasts that they made to me, and besides I hardly have the energy or willpower to solve my own troubles, never mind getting involved with somebody else’s mess.  I don’t even know them for real – they’re just “internet people” – one of whom came to my town unbidden, sure, but who promptly lost interest upon discovering how hideous I am.

I always seem to have the worst of luck, so I fear that I could be declined, and knowing that assholes like these two are still getting paid – and considerably more than I am –  for faking it, will only add to my already considerable angst.  It is because of creeps like them that people with a real need have to experience fear over something as basic as whether or not they will continue to be safe and housed.

I don’t know how I will survive if I am declined.  I have all sorts of physical, social and anxiety issues but the leading reason I don’t work are my multiple chemical sensitivities, which I won’t expound upon here as it definitely warrants a blog entry of its own.  I fear that being declined could lead to a nervous breakdown of sorts – I already live in a constant low grade terror wondering how I will survive on $756/month (after my 90 year old grandmother dies and takes her social security check with her), I can’t imagine the stress and anxiety I will face if I manage to lose even that.

I have already done the whole homeless thing – twice.  I had my turns, I served my time on the streets.  I was young and strong and not yet entirely physically hideous or chemically sensitive yet at those times at it was so hard.  I could barely do it then, I don’t think I could do it now.  I think I would literally rather die.

I don’t want to end up like my mother.

I have put it off for a very long time, but I suppose the time has come for me to write blog entries about the two main destroyers of my life – The Harelip and Multiple Chemical Sensitivities.  ⬅️ I’ll turn those into links after I have written the blog entries.

With much resignation I suppose I shall go and start that unsavory and discomfiting process now.  😦  Yes it is a self-imposed thing that I have decided to do, writing these blog entries. I could skip it, but…

I feel, curiously, that I must write these blog entries.  So I shall.  If anything it will at least drag my mind (however temporarily) into other bleak spaces that are NOT all about worrying about my SSI.

EDIT 4/19/2018

Did I think I’d only have to wonder and worry for a mere month or so?  Isn’t THAT funny?!  I STILL have no resolution on this – but I do have an appointment for the 30th for a physical and mental evaluation to see whether or not I will continue to receive SSI.

So, unsurprisingly, I STILL am suffering from tremendous anxiety.  😦

FML.

I also slacked on getting the MCS and Harelip blogs written, but I will.

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